


A small list of things to hide, by Momota Kaito

by inspectorwired



Series: logic and light years [4]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Dancing, Growing Up, Hospitals, M/M, Saimota Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inspectorwired/pseuds/inspectorwired
Summary: Told in four parts, moments belonging to different years, each one at another point of youth: Momota doesn't keep a lot of secrets.(dark places/ false documents/ health and its lack/ liking him back)
Relationships: Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi
Series: logic and light years [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1750891
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	A small list of things to hide, by Momota Kaito

**Author's Note:**

> day 4: seasons/secrets

Kaito doesn't keep a lot of secrets.

He doesn't like them. He's an honest guy, Kaito likes to believe.

A couple, maybe. Like the one where he didn't tell Shuichi that he wasn't actually aboard a pirate ship, or that he's never met the president, or the lead singer of Iron Maiden. Or how his grandpa still thinks he's straight. But all in all, he's better off than most people, or at least he'd say he's got a normal amount.

Well, not counting a few.

It's spring, and he has a secret.

It's a silly one, as far as secrets go, except that it isn't silly at all, because, when you're starting middle school, being afraid of the dark is as good as a death sentence. What kind of a man is he, if something like this is enough to give him a frighten?

"Oh, come on now, you lazy ass," his grandma nags at him as he grabs his rocket ship and other bare necessities, slipping out of reach. "You're a big boy now! Help with some housework, will you?"

"Can't, sorry! My sidekick is waiting," he says. "He and Harumaki can't do it on their own today."

It's happening. Ouma is out there, organizing an ambush; last time, Harumaki bit him, so now the boy is hungry for revenge. That's why Kaito's got to be there, in the front rows, defending their fortress like a true hero.

It's easier to say that, than admit that he'd rather fight a dozen battleships and shout from the top of his lungs that he loves pink, than step a single foot inside the very narrow, very closed-off and dark basement that his grandpa keeps his tools in.

"No candy for you later," the woman huffs. Kaito's fine with that.

He dashes out of the door and makes his way down the street, slippers hitting the soles of his feet as he runs.

It's a tough battle, the afternoon filled with yelling whenever someone is hit by a water balloon or Ouma's stink bomb. By the end, none of them are quite sure who the winner is, but then again, it doesn't really matter, child logic notwithstanding.

Shuichi has a cut on his arm that Kaito spit on to heal, a few twigs in his hair, and everything about him makes it clear how much more used he is to staying at home, reading, than this. Kaito is very pleased with himself for having been dragging him out of the house so often, lately.

"Can I sleep at your place tonight, sidekick?" Kaito asks him with a grin that he hopes doesn't reveal too much of his cowardice. Grandma might try to rope him into helping with the spring cleaning again when he gets back, if they're not done by then, and he can't have that.

Shuichi looks up at him, all shy smiles, still out of breath from running around. "Of course!"

Shuichi's parents are always working, either away or abroad, never home with him no matter how much he claims that they want to be. When he tells Kaito that he can sleep over for the night, he doesn't even have to check with them first to make sure.

Next to them, Harumaki makes a face like she's frustrated about something. She gets angry about the strangest things, like when he spilled yogurt all over her new shirt, or laughed after she lost the 'Who's the tallest' competition. Kaito would ask what it is, this time, but he gets distracted.

"We're keeping the lights on, right?" He asks, just in case. At home, his bedside lamp stays alright all the way until morning, the shade projecting patterns of planets and stars onto the ceiling. He can sleep with shadows like that.

"Hm? Ah, yeah, that's fine."

Shuichi seems a little confused by the firmness of the request, so, of course, Kaito starts rambling.

"Not that I'm scared of the dark - I'm not scared of anything at all! Not even centipedes or geography quizzes. But, heroes love the light. You know? As a hero, I would never back away from the spotlight, even when I sleep…"

"So, you're gonna be living there for good?"

"I am. It's- not that far. Even if I'll have to change schools."

"Got to ride a train to visit each other, right?"

Kaito watches the rows of passersby walking about, tiny from the third story window they're both perched on. The sun is shining brightly, just short of uncomfortable, and the windowsill is hard under his elbows. Shuichi is quiet as he picks at the dust gathered on the surface. 

"I like my uncle," he says. "His wife seems nice, too."

Kaito breathes out an exhale, one that seems to be ridding of more than just air. He's a bit disappointed, but there's nothing he can do, and this isn't about him anyway. It might be better for his friend to live with someone who comes home every once in a while.

"Oh, well!" He nudges Shuichi a little, slapping an arm over his shoulders with a bit more force than what he intended. He decides that it's fine. "It's fine!" He repeats out loud. "I'll support you."

Shuichi pinches a tiny piece of rubble between his fingers and drops it down.

"We wouldn't be going to the same high school anyway, you know, Shuichi?" Kaito adds, grinning. "Because, I'm thinking I'll transfer."

Shuichi is confused when he looks up at him, expectant, _What do you mean_.

It's summer and Kaito has a secret. It's a good kind of secret, one that he'd be shouting from the rooftops if it wouldn't get him in trouble. He shouldn't be talking about it.

He tells Shuichi, though; about the entrance exams, and the false documents, about studying in secret and training until he drops.

"Already passed a few of them, taking a written exam next week. I'm gonna pass, just you wait!"

It's his dream. He could be sitting still until he's old enough, but he doesn't want to do that. Where's the fun in that?

Shuichi is looking at him with admiration, mouth opened like the words are about to escape any moment. He closes his lips around them, so they don't.

"I hope that you don't get found out," he just tells him.

Suddenly, the sounds from the other room get louder, as the door opens and a head full of white, messy hair peeks in.

"Hello," Kiibo says politely. "Harukawa and the rest are calling. We're thinking about playing a board game, but Ouma already stole half of the pieces."

Kaito is away from the window in an instant. "Sure thing, we'll be on it! C'mere, Shuichi."

He drags Shuichi and Kiibo with him as he walks straight into the room, head held high, and finds a mess of colors and shapes scattered on the floor, and a few of his friends screaming, spots of apple juice soaking their trousers.

Later, he'll be gathering them around to announce to them all that he passed, that he's made it to becoming an astronaut trainee, beaming with pride. This is going to be his year, Kaito is sure.

It's fall, and he doesn't tell this one.

Not even to Shuichi - especially not to Shuichi, or Harumaki, or anyone else who thinks he's strong - because, it's one thing, telling someone all about how you broke the rules and fucked with the system in order to achieve the impossible. Admitting weakness is something else.

They still haven't figured him out at the academy, which is good. Future astronauts shouldn't be sick; shouldn't be dying. Future astronauts should have a future in the first place.

He can't go to the doctor yet, can he? If he does, then they'll know.

Kaito isn't thinking about it now, though; he's giving his all not to. At the moment, he's focusing on the smaller hand in the grip of both of his, laughter and atrocious pop music booming around them. He's at a party, trying to pull Shuichi off the sofa and get him to come and dance with him.

"C'mon, bro! You're only here for the weekend, let's live a little! Now's all we got!" He urges him and barely considers the words as they fall out, barely considers this to be making memories, as opposed to just doing what he's always done.

"Ah, I'm probably really bad at it," Shuichi tells him, eyes averted, with what looks like a small blush on his face. Makes sense: it _is_ a bit hot in here.

"Oh, please," Akamatsu from Shuichi's current school says, standing on his other side. "We had dancing classes together, didn't we?"

"This is informal. It's not the same," he counters, still looking away.

Kaito and Akamatsu share a quick glance, before the girl leans in and grabs Shuichi's other hand, ignoring his weak protests. Simultaneously, they both pull.

Shuichi finally lets himself be helped up, still a little resistant as the two of them drag him to where most of the people are dancing. Die young, Kaito catches the lyrics, not exactly bitterly, as he takes a hold of Akamatsu's hand with his free one, closing the circle, and moves with the two of them, enthusiastically, completely out of rhythm. Shuichi is cheered up now, eyes bright, laughing quietly into his shoulder.

A knowing look flashes across Akamatsu's face, and she steps away from the both of them, connecting their hands before she leaves them dancing without her.

The music hasn't slowed, exactly, Ouma and that engineer chick still holding the speakers hostage, picking only the worst kinds of pop. But, it feels like time is passing slower, the space between them more intimate. Shuichi's eyes find his and stay there, and he's got that look again, like he has something to say.

Suddenly, Kaito feels a convulsion incoming, like a gag reflex but higher, dryer, then another. The itching unbearable, he fights against them violently, helplessly. The smile on his face has to be looking more like a grimace.

"Find your friend again, I'll be right back," he somehow manages without choking, makes a beeline for the bathroom as soon as they part.

Unoccupied. Thank fuck.

Kaito feels damn grateful for the music, as well, as he hacks and doubles over and coughs the blood and the noises out, metal in his mouth, blood on his hands and dripping down his chin. His shirt is off, crumpled in the far corner so that it doesn't get stained with it.

His chest rattles, stings with each breath.

Here, under the sickly neon lights, kneeling down on the tiles, Kaito thinks about how he can't go yet, not until he's done all he wants to. About experiencing new things and meeting aliens and having more than the now. Thinks, I won't be able to kiss him like that, all bloody like that, and he nearly misses the thought, almost fails to give it the importance.

"Fuck," he says quietly.

It's winter, and he is alive.

Snowflakes are falling outside, slowly and steadily, faint against the uniform white sky, and Kaito doesn't think about secrets as he watches the snow through the window of his hospital room.

They told him that he'll live. He heard that he's been kicked out of the academy, too, on the account of concerns such as forged documents and insufficient age and major health issues. They also said that he's free and unofficially encouraged to try applying again in the future, after he's recovered and done with high school, so Kaito isn't exactly bummed out by that one.

"You're an idiot," Harumaki tells him from the door when she visits. Then she rushes over and throws her hands around his neck.

He gets a kiss on the cheek, tears on his hospital gown, and the scolding of his life.

How could someone be so _stupid_ , she repeats to him, voice flat but shoulders trembling, how can someone disregard his life so easily when he means so much. If she told him this a few months ago, Kaito doesn't think he would understand. He knows how important he is, he would've said, but isn't risking one's life only natural for a hero?

The Kaito from a few months ago didn't know his friend could cry like this; didn't know what his grandparents' faces look like after they've been told how close he was to dying. The Kaito from a few months ago didn't know shit.

"I'm sorry, Harumaki," he says so many times that he loses count. "My bad. Come on, don't cry."

"Then don't make me cry, you idiot."

Kaito smiles. He feels weak, lying before her like this. He hates feeling weak.

"And Shuichi, he...?" He asks after a while, but Harumaki just shrugs and shakes her head.

"Couldn't get him out of bed," she says.

Outside, snow is falling softly, like nothing can disrupt its calm.

Ouma shows the next day, throws a bag of fake grapes into his face and spends the next fifteen minutes or so laughing at his pyjamas.

"Momota is so lame," he says, delighted, the bright outfit he's wearing clashing against the sheets and walls and the sky outside.

They end up eating the grapes together. Of course they're not actually fake. Well, not all of them.

"Oh, but I can't believe Momota lied to all of us," Ouma grins at him, the end of the visiting hours drawing near, "And so efficiently, too. No one knew a thing. Not even your Saihara. And he's _so_ smart! Working as a detective now, and all."

"The fuck do you mean, my-? ...Hiding isn't lying," Kaito finishes, biting his tongue. "They'd've just worried for nothing."

Ouma shakes his head, repeats, "Lame. And you're _still_ hiding stuff."

Kaito opens his mouth. Closes it. Leans back against the pillows and hates that Ouma gets him so well.

"You are, you are!" Ouma giggles. "Wow, and then _I'm_ the liar."

"Isn't lying," Kaito repeats, frowning at the thought. As if saying it's easy. Of course Ouma doesn't care; he says the wildest shit all the time and gets away with it. Kaito tries not to be jealous.

Shuichi didn't come today, either.

"Well, good luck," Ouma tells him as he hops off the chair, waves at him goodbye. "I already know what it is."

Akamatsu comes the day after, showing up with an assortment of fruits and snacks and a few bottles of water and juice.

"You're like a mom," he grins at her. Lying in bed while everyone else is on their feet, fussing over him, didn't get a single bit easier, but he's at least getting somewhat used to it.

"You haven't met my friend Toujo yet," she tells him with a laugh. "She hates it if we call her that, though."

Kaito's face lights up, remembering. "So _that's_ the 'Other Mom' Ouma mentions sometimes!"

Akamatsu snorts. "Probably."

"Man, I gotta tell Shuichi about this. We both just kinda thought the fucker made her up. He's gonna-"

"...Yeah, you do that. Anyway, I would've come to see you sooner, but I didn't want to overwhelm you," she tells him. "I can only imagine what it's like with all the visits."

She clearly doesn't want to talk about their shared friend, so Kaito doesn't ask.

He wonders, though.

Nurses come and go, as well as his friends, his grandparents coming to see him almost every day, and Kaito wonders.

Shuichi shows up almost a week later, after Kaito's almost lost hope. He knocks politely and peeks into the room, cheeks flushed with the cold, squeezing his hat in both of his hands like a little kid who's been caught misbehaving.

"Hello," he says and sits down, takes his scarf and the coat off and folds them over his knees, and doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands now that they're empty.

"You came."

"I'm late. I'm… bad with this." He looks lost. "With, ah. I didn't...."

"Knew you were gonna come," Kaito interrupts him, and grins, and he hates the way Shuichi looks at him, the way his eyes dart to the IV in his arm. Something in him wants to tear the damn thing out.

"Sorry I didn't come sooner." His best friend takes a deep breath. "I was scared."

Kaito isn't sure he gets it.

"Nothing to be scared of! I mean, I survived, didn't I? It's all right, now, the- Oh."

Shuichi leans over and hugs him, gently, leaning back so quickly that Kaito doesn't get to reciprocate. His hat falls to the floor with a _thump_ , but he doesn't seem to notice.

"I almost lost you."

Kaito stares at him. He's grateful that his heart rate isn't being measured; no beeping monitors betraying his racing heartbeats. He'd be screwed if there were.

You didn't, though, Kaito wants to say, but his mouth can't seem to form the words. I'm all healed now, good as new, because heroes never die, and their sidekicks should have a little faith, shouldn't they, he wants to say, but it rings as hollow as every lie he's ever told in his life.

"Come back here and give me a proper hug, won't you," he says instead, stupidly.

Shuichi doesn't. "Please don't hide things from me again," he says. "Even when they hurt."

He's gotten so brave. Kaito thinks about the boy who used to cry when he got B's at school, thinking it'll make his parents sad; about Shuichi, anxious but firm, deciding that he'll stay helping at his uncle's agency despite everything. He's constantly moving forward, all the while looking at him like that, so that Kaito feels almost ashamed. And he…

"You can tell me anything," Shuichi continues, not a trace of the tension that he seemed overwhelmed with back when he arrived, now that there's something to be honest about. "I'll take responsibility. You don't have to shoulder everything by yourself. Isn't that what you've always told me?"

Kaito breaks.

He doesn't cry. He doesn't think he's able, right now, not when there's so much shame in him, refusal to let it show in front of other people. He doesn't cry, but he swallows and his hands tremble, and he wants to hide them under the covers but doesn't, because Shuichi must've noticed it anyway, so what'd the point even be.

Semantics of secrets seem to be pretty damn unimportant, whatever others might say. All of them, in the end, are nothing but side effects of his stupid fear.

He tells him the other one.

Shuichi drops his coat too, this time, and the scarf, and a 'me too'; gives him the hug that he asked for, and something else.

They stay like this way past the visitation hours, and Shuichi smiles sheepishly when the nurses come, annoyed, to chase him out. Kaito doesn't give a shit.

It's winter, and he loves him back. And, this time, it's not a secret at all.

**Author's Note:**

> again, no honorifics + first name for the pov character seemed to fit this better  
> i wrote most of this in one go on a sunny afternoon, sitting with my back leaning against a wall, my sense of time and space very loose and disconnected, and by the time i was done it had already gotten dark without me noticing. great experience, v surreal, would go again


End file.
